So two sacred American traditions - New Year's Eve and the College Football Playoff - are colliding this week, leaving a Sports Nation full of drunken helmet heads to ponder the question:
Why oh why would they schedule the second-most important college football games of the year on the same night in which many of us annually go out and act like motherless fools?
To be truthful, Couch Slouch believes slating the apocalyptically consequential Oklahoma-Clemson and Michigan State-Alabama games on the last day of December is accidental genius, but before delving into that, let's first deal with New Year's Eve itself.
Nobody - well, nobody who is reasonably minded - goes out on New Year's Eve anymore. Nobody.
Heck, more people go out on Halloween than on New Year's Eve.
(I dressed this year as a post-middle-aged newspaper sports columnist shaking his head over the loss of readers in the past decade. And when I went to houses, I didn't yell "Trick or treat!" as they opened the door, I offered them a two-year subscription for the price of one week.)
New Year's Eve has to be the most overrated date on the calendar.
Here are my last three New Year's Eves:
and a new ESPN billing cycle.
That's fine by me - my ESPN charges are comped, anyway.
Hey, I'd much rather be in the middle of a replay review at midnight with Kirk Herbstreit than watch the ball drop again - that sounds like a replay review, too - at Times Square with Ryan Seacrest.
Besides, in the Western half of the nation - I'm in L.A., baby! - the Cotton Bowl will end early enough that we'll have plenty of time to party like it's 1999.
Which means I still can be in bed by 10.
Q. It has been some time since you last updated us on Stepson of Destiny Isaiah Eisendorf's basketball career. His adoring fan base wants to know. (Rick Millward; Myersville, Md.)
A. Isaiah is a starting sophomore forward at Division II Gannon University in Erie, Pa., averaging 9.4 points and 5.2 rebounds; the Golden Knights, however, are 2-9. If Gannon loses 20 games, I will ask the school to revoke Isaiah's scholarship and return him to the general population.
Q. Reading your last column, am I supposed to believe you and your crack cronies watch 10 NFL games at the same time? (Jay Rosen; Charlotte, N.C.)
A. Actually - and this speaks to America in a deeper fashion than any other example I can think of - you'd be amazed how often all 10 games are in commercial at the same time.
Q. Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute is suing the owner of Pizza Da Vinci in Troy, N.Y., for offering cooking classes under the name "Rensselaer Pizza Institute" and "RPI." Is college basketball in for trouble next? (Dave Schooler; Washington, D.C.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q. Should Jerry Jones ask the NFL to have Steve Harvey present the Lombardi Trophy so the Cowboys would have a chance? (Roger Lucas; Avon, Ind.)
A. Pay this fella, too.
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