We're talking Super Bowl L - L! - and, remarkably, Couch Slouch has experienced them all.
Alas, I made the mistake of actually going to two of them, so I've only seen 47 on television. And TV is where it's at, baby; if I had a choice between witnessing the creation of the world in person or watching it on CNN, I'm with Wolf Blitzer every day and twice on Sundays, which, we're told, was a day of rest for the big fella, but I think he was just clearing the calendar to make way for the National Football League.
In any case, as a public service, I am here to provide my 50th annual Super Bowl Viewing Guide (for Super Bowl Parties of Six or More):
The NFL finally got rid of the Roman numeral thing - for one year. Always ahead of the curve, I stopped using the ridiculous Roman numerals more than 20 years ago. The NFL decided this year's golden-anniversary game was too big to call "Super Bowl L." Well, I won't play Roger Goodell's word game - I am calling it Super Bowl L and then next year we'll resume with Super Bowl 51.
Here's some Super Bowl trivia for you - NBC and CBS both televised the very first one. CBS, curiously, used two play-by-play announcers: Ray Scott in the first half, Jack Whitaker in the second half. Of course, if ESPN ever gets the game, it likely will use eight play-by-play guys - two per quarter talking simultaneously.
Yes, I am rooting for Peyton Manning. How many times was he written off this season by yammering talking heads? Just before the AFC championship game, ESPN Radio's Danny Kanell said he didn't want Peyton to make the Super Bowl because "it's awful to watch him play quarterback this year." Uh, watching Kanell play quarterback in the NFL - now that was awful. Peyton's a pleasure - if he dropped back to pass blindfolded and tied up in a sackcloth, he'd have a higher QB rating than Kanell.
Cam Newton likes to celebrate - is this really a problem? If it were me, I'd just hand the ball to an official, trot to the sideline and pour myself a cup of hot tea. But if Cam wants to lip-sync to Sinatra's "My Way" and parachute in the Rockettes to do a dance number after every touchdown, then so be it.
If the R*dsk*ns had made the Super Bowl, at least it would've shined a light on their objectionable handle. Being a D.C. native, I rooted for the Washington NFL team since childhood and never gave the nickname a second thought. I am embarrassed how long it took me to grasp that the name was a dictionary-defined slur. Even if the term were benign, it makes no sense to characterize people by the color of their skin; it dehumanizes them.
I get tired of R*dsk*ns defenders responding by telling me I've gone all P.C. on them. This has nothing to do with being "politically correct" and everything to do with simply being correct in terms of common decency. The name is offensive for obvious reasons; to make the change is a no-brainer, which seemingly would give Daniel Snyder a fighting chance to do the right thing.
CBS will again use confounded officiating expert Mike Carey to inform us about replay challenges. If Carey says the call will be overturned, it will stand. If he says the call will stand, it will be overturned. Heck, if Carey told me the sun rises in the East and will set in the West, I'd have to believe it rises in the West and will set in the East.
This year people even will be tuning in to the Super Bowl to watch the coin toss. That's because the Super Bowl referee is Clete Blakeman, who screwed up the overtime coin toss in the Packers-Cardinals playoff game - when he tossed the coin, it didn't flip. How hard is it to flip a coin? That is one thing I know Donald Trump can do.
Speaking of the coin toss, it's the surest wager on Super Bowl Sunday. There are lots of prop bets you can make, but only one is a guaranteed winner - tails. Some people take a moment out daily for yoga or meditation; I spend three minutes every morning tossing a coin 100 times, and, consistently, it comes up tails 53 to 56 times. Go try it yourself. BET TAILS.
No Super Bowl has ever gone to overtime. This one will. Whether it's 0-0 or 29-29, it's definitely headed to a fifth quarter. Which means another coin toss! Good luck, Clete!!!
Q. I have just been catching up on your columns due to them not being available in my local newspaper. Are there any Couch Slouch marriages to catch up on? (Jeff Clarke; Stratford, Ontario)
A. No, you're up-to-date - as of 8:35 ET this morning, Toni has not left me.
Q. A la many a pro athlete, do you look up to the sky whenever you finish a column? (K.W. Hemphill; South Riding, Va.)
A. Actually, I usually look down to see if there is any peppermint schnapps left.
Q. Now that the NFL feels 20 years is a long-enough wait for Los Angeles, when will pro football return to Cleveland? (Daniel Duncan; Burke, Va.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q. For the Pro Bowl, did the teams forego the pretense of uniforms and padding and just use different colored flags in their back pockets? (Starr Mayer; Hampton, Va.)
A. Pay the lady, Shirley.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!