"Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice" opens in theaters next month. This month - in the guise of Super Bowl L - we just had "Sheriff v Superman: Justice at Dusk." Somehow, the aging local lawman/pizza pitchman got the better of the ageless Man of Steel. Peyton Manning might not have the arm strength of a superhero, but he's got a second Super Bowl title.
As usual, I took it all in and took copious notes:
2:01 p.m. ET: Ballet dancers to open the pregame show? Boy, this is going to be a long day.
2:02: James Brown: "Fittingly, we are standing on the 50-yard line." Uh, he's on the 48-yard line.
2:04: Norman Esiason and Bill Cowher are walking and talking, like it's an overwrought Aaron Sorkin drama.
2:33: Technology is so advanced these days, you can't even see the puppet strings when Commissioner Roger Goodell is speaking.
3:04: Evan Washburn reports that Cam Newton will be on "Bus No. 3" leaving the hotel. QB1 should be on Bus No. 1.
3:35: I think the NFL Play 60 super kid should stay indoors more, maybe take up poker.
4:20: It just feels like Jim Nantz is always running for office.
4:24: If the next 50 Super Bowls are hyped as much as the first 50 Super Bowls, I'm outta here.
4:27: Watching the Obamas with Gayle King, my dog Sapphire points out that next year Donald and Melania Trump might be chatting it up.
5:20: If you crack open a Yuengling every time Bart Scott or Tony Gonzalez says, "I'll tell you what," well, I'll tell you what, you'll crack open a lot of Yuenglings.
5:20:15: The next time CBS assembles an "NFL Today" crew, it might do better to simply round up four customers from Radio Shack.
5:27: James Brown: "Race is still the third rail of contemporary society." I still don't know what the first two rails are.
6:02: Apparently, David Letterman is not shaving until he gets offered "The Tonight Show."
6:13: In the locker room, Peyton Manning looks as if he's waiting on his last meal.
6:31: When Delta is in charge of the flyover, there usually is a 45-minute delay.
6:35: If Toni filed divorce papers during the coin toss, I'd be the last to know.
7:06: On game's first replay challenge, acclaimed and beleaguered CBS officiating expert Mike Carey emphatically says call will be overturned. It stands.
7:07: Last time Broncos led by 10-0 in a Super Bowl, they lost, 42-10. But Cam Newton is no Doug Williams.
7:19: If PBS ever gets the rights to the Super Bowl, will it be commercial-free?
7:30: Aqib Talib's bonus clause only kicks in if he commits three personal fouls in a half.
7:36: The smart play, I decide, is to watch presidential-debate highlights during replay reviews.
7:38: Old-timers will remember Brylcreem's "A little dab will do ya" ad jingle. But no dabbing for Newton tonight.
7:43: My stepdaughter Mia pokes her head in and asks, "When does the football game end?" The football game? IT'S THE SUPER BOWL. Where did this child come from?
7:45: Players are switching footwear because of problems with the field. Levi's Stadium cost $2 billion - they couldn't spend an extra $60,000 for better Bermuda grass?
8:29: Coldplay? What, U2 has a Premier League engagement?
8:36: Field conditions are so bad, Beyonce nearly slips and suffers turf toe.
8:50: Wherever Newton drives for the next six months, he'll see Von Miller in his rear-view mirror.
8:53: Ted Ginn Jr. runs faster to the sideline than any man alive.
9:48: Broncos defense is so good, it might be able to hold Bernie Sanders to single figures in New Hampshire.
10:01: Newton decides not to go after loose ball - maybe his health plan doesn't cover fumbles.
10:15: Hail, Peyton!
10:16: Clete Blakeman might still be calling penalties an hour after this game ends.
10:21: I've got a hunch Peyton will start doing some commercial endorsements now.
10:22: By the way, if Cam Newton really were Superman, how come he doesn't wear his underwear on the outside?
Q. As an NBA coach, how would you defend the Warriors? (J.R. Allen; Spokane, Wash.)
A. I'd probably go with the old Globetrotters trick and pull down Stephen Curry's pants when he's shooting three-pointers.
Q. Given Roger Goodell's warning about the risks inherent in sitting on a couch, how is it you've managed to stay off the disabled list for all these years? (Mike Wilsman; Severna Park, Md.)
A. I wear a cup.
Q. Should the NFL follow the NHL's lead and go to the 3-on-3 all-star game format? (Mike Schaap; Albany, N.Y.)
A. I think Chip Kelly already has proposed this for regular-season games.
Q. Will you follow NFL suit next year and go back to Roman numerals for classifying your marriages? (John Furgele; Glenmont, N.Y.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
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