Miami Marlins manager Don Mattingly - who sported a mustache while playing with the New York Yankees - recently announced a new team policy that all players must be clean-shaven.
There is stupid and there is stupid. But this appears to be more stupid than just stupid - it's abundantly stupid, verging on spectacularly, cataclysmically stupid.
Facial hair has accompanied virtually every landmark achievement in world history. What, you thought Ferdinand Magellan circumnavigated the globe clean-shaven? Or Albert Einstein snipped off his mustache and splashed on some Old Spice just before developing the theory of relativity?
It's possible Mattingly looked back at his failed five-year tenure as Los Angeles Dodgers manager and said to himself, "You know, we probably win four World Series if nobody on our roster had 5 o'clock shadow."
(By the way, if Mattingly coached the NBA's Houston Rockets, I guess James Harden would be unguardable and unrecognizable.)
Marlins pitcher Mike Dunn, who reluctantly parted with his goatee, said, "You can fight it, or you don't. Obviously I shaved, so it's okay."
It's NOT okay, man; you should've fought it - one week after Van Gogh shaved his goatee in 1888, he severed his left ear and dropped it off at a local brothel for safe keeping.
Marlins pitcher Jose Fernandez, before shaving his beard, said, "I'm afraid I'm going to look 16."
(Heck, I'd shave my mustache if I thought I'd look 16. Unfortunately, I believe I'd just look 56, which is more or less my current age.)
Inexplicably, mustaches come under attack a lot, partly a reason that the American Mustache Institute - the nation's only facial-hair advocacy organization - was created in 1965. The AMI came down hard on Mattingly's policy, with its president, Dr. Adam Paul Cosgrove, releasing a statement, "The entire episode marks yet another dark chapter in the way the Mustached American community can often be treated."
(Note to Readers I: Sometimes I make stuff up in this column, but I am not making up this AMI business. Besides, if there are lobbying groups for balloons, cigar smokers and reptile keepers - and there are - why can't there be a lobbying group for mustaches?)
I, of course, have proudly had a mustache since high school, simply because I hate to shave; for that reason, I used to have a beard, too, but I looked so scary with it, dogs would bark at me and children would cry.
(For the record, dogs still bark at me and children still cry, but these days it's only if they're forced to read my column.)
When I'm attacked on message boards or in online forums - these are mostly people unhappy with my poker commentary on ESPN - they often deride my " '70s porn 'stache." That's interesting, because I didn't think that many folks saw my adult film work from a generation ago; besides, I mostly had bit roles, and what I did was more heavy petting than hard porn.
(Note to Readers II: Please don't run to IMDB to see which adult films I starred in. The stuff in the previous paragraph was made up, just to have fun with those making fun of me.)
But, yes, my mustache was born in the 1970s, and it has carried me through 5 ½ years of college, three marriages, nine jobs, seven homes and absolutely no Cleveland Browns NFL titles.
Anyway, a no-facial-hair policy strikes Couch Slouch as somewhat preposterous. Whether you are clean-shaven or not doesn't affect on-field performance.
My goodness, a no-pocket-watch rule would make more sense than a no-facial-hair rule - a pocket watch might slow you down on the base paths, plus if you have a hole in your pocket and your watch happens to drop out between third base and home plate, you might instinctively stop to go pick it up.
Then they've got you dead-to-rites, and it's additionally embarrassing if you're checking the time while you're caught in a rundown.
On the other hand, I wouldn't mind if Mattingly were NHL commissioner and banned "playoff beards" - then I might start watching hockey again. Check that: No, I wouldn't.
Q. I bet a friend that sometime in your bowling career you had a league shirt with "Stormin" on the back. True? (Steve Hintyesz; Spokane, Wash.)
A. I've never been in a bowling league, so I've never had a league shirt. P.S. This won't help you win the bet, but I did consider putting "Stormin" on the back of my shirt at my first wedding.
Q. Can Joe Johnson get the Miami Heat over the hump? (C.J. Wheeler; Nederland, Tex.)
A. Joe Johnson can't get Joe Johnson over the hump.
Q. Duke's Grayson Allen: Youthful exuberance or serial tripper? (Chris Baumann; Fishers, Ind.)
A. As they say, "Once an accident, twice a delinquent." He's a punk.
Q. If Denny Hamlin comes around the curve at the Brickyard 400, spins out and ends up on the infield, does the MLB slide rule apply? (Steve Newman; Washington, D.C.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
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