Seven New England Patriots fans are suing the NFL in an effort to recover the first-round pick taken from the team as punishment for the Deflategate scandal.
Yes, Deflategate. Still Deflategate.
Watergate - which led to the resignation of a U.S. president - was in and out of lives in a couple of football seasons.
Deflategate - which is leading to nothing - might be with us through the start of the Chelsea Clinton presidency.
The suit filed last week in U.S. District Court in Boston says the NFL made an "arbitrary and capricious" decision to revoke the pick in this month's draft without proof that the Patriots deflated footballs in the Jan. 18, 2015 AFC championship game against the Indianapolis Colts.
The complaint alleges common law fraud, negligence, racketeering and intentional infliction of emotional distress.
(Boy, this feels like I'm reliving my first divorce-court hearing.)
Have I ever mentioned that New England sports folks - particularly those backing the Patriots, Red Sox and Celtics - might be the most obnoxious, annoying and whiny fan base in America?
They're still complaining about the officiating at the Boston Tea Party.
In the old days, you'd buy a ticket, go to a game, watch your team lose, then go home and sulk. Nowadays, you buy a ticket and, before going to the game, contact Gloria Allred to determine what your legal rights are.
In the Patriots fans' lawsuit, the NFL, Commissioner Roger Goodell and team owner Robert Kraft are named as defendants. That's right - Patriots fans are essentially suing the Patriots themselves, saying Kraft did not fight hard enough against the league's punishment.
(Hey, I remember I was hoppin' mad when the Steelers drafted Bubby Brister in the third round of the 1986 NFL draft, but I never considered taking them to court.)
The lead plaintiff is Patriots season-ticket holder Todd Orsatti, 47, of Bristol, Connecticut, who goes to games with his 7-year-old daughter, Maddy. The complaint states she is talking about finding another team due to her disillusionment with the NFL's actions.
"She will no longer go to games with [her father]," according to the complaint, "because she thinks the games are fixed by the NFL after her team was punished merely based on conjecture."
Gee, I hope the girl never finds out about Arnold Rothstein.
Speaking of frivolous and ridiculous legal actions, I am reminded of one of my all-time favorites:
In 1991, Richard Overton of Decatur, Michigan, sued Anheuser-Busch for false and misleading advertising. He alleged that the Bud Light commercials depicted the beer's magical ability to attract beautiful women when, in real life, those beautiful women never materialize, plus A-B fails to warn consumers of the "serious health problems" that alcohol consumption can bring.
Overton sued for $10,000, claiming to have suffered emotional distress, mental injury and financial loss. The case was dismissed.
(Overton made two mistakes here. One, why was he drinking Bud Light to begin with? Please. Two, Yuengling - not Budweiser - attracts the most intelligent, sexy women; this is incontrovertible, inarguable and indisputable. Heck, every time I've proposed marriage - and I'm 3 for 3 in this arena - there was a Yuengling within arm's reach.)
As Deflategate lingers on, it strikes Couch Slouch that it might be the cultural touchstone of our times, aptly defining the entirety of America's sporting excesses. Maybe Deflategate will resonate like the O.J. Simpson trial, which just got a magnificent reprise on FX with "The People v. O.J. Simpson."
So twenty-odd years from now, perhaps we will be equally enraptured by "The People v. the New England Patriots," with David Schimmer as Roger Goodell, John Travolta as Robert Kraft, Rob Morrow as Chris Mortensen, Larry King as Larry King and, of course, Cuba Gooding Jr. as Tom Brady.
Q. At last count there were 4,256 sports talk shows on various media outlets. Isn't this a lot like the menu at an Italian restaurant - all the same ingredients with a different-shaped noodle? (Jeff Reeves; Indianapolis)
A. It's more like the Dollar Morning Value Menu at Taco Bell - food you know you shouldn't eat no matter the price.
Q. Shouldn't the Villanova men's basketball team have to play the UConn women's team to determine the real national champion? (Wilson F. Harris; Fairfax, Va.)
A. If UConn were to win, that would set back the men's rights movement several years.
Q. Am I a bad person because I read the questions to your columns every week before I read your "think piece"? (Don Pollins; Hyattsville, Md.)
A. You're just a bad person, period.
Q. If Washington were to bring up first baseman Nate Freiman, would he become the Hebrew National? (Philip R. Hochberg; Washington, D.C.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
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