Every other time Mark Cuban opens his mouth, he says something stupid. Granted, this means that every other time he opens his mouth, he says something smart, but I guess I expect more than a coin flip from a fellow so savvy and successful.
Last week, as his Dallas Mavericks were en route to being eliminated by Oklahoma City in the NBA playoffs, Cuban mentioned that the Thunder have just one superstar - Kevin Durant. So, someone asked, what about Russell Westbrook?
"Russell's certainly an all-star," Cuban responded, "but I consider Durant a superstar."
Okay, first we'll deal with Westbrook and then we'll get back to Cuban.
Westbrook averaged 23.5 points, 10.4 assists and 7.8 rebounds a game this season and piled up more triple-doubles (18) than anyone since Magic Johnson. He's been one of the top 10 players in the league for several years and has an almost unmatched electricity and energy on the floor.
Uh, he's a superstar.
Wouldn't you pay to see Westbrook play? Yes, you would. In fact, Couch Slouch would pay to see Westbrook more than any NBA player other than Stephen Curry and LeBron James.*
(*This is strictly a hypothetical statement on my part - I haven't paid to see an NBA game since I was in high school. And already shelling out $199 a year for NBA League Pass - a steal, by the way - you think I'm going to dig deeper into my pocket to meet the NBA's sky-high ticket prices?)
Anyway, when Westbrook was asked at a news conference about Cuban's remarks, Durant interceded, putting his hand over Westbrook's microphone and saying, "He's an idiot....he's an idiot. All right. That's what we've got to say about that. He's an idiot. Next question."
Wow. It was pure delight hearing Durant call Cuban "an idiot" three times in 10 seconds. But, in all fairness, Cuban is an idiot billionaire.
Sure, I've never liked the cut of Cuban's jib, but his jib is out-sailing my jib every day of the week.
As it turns out, Cuban and I both were born in 1958, 17 days apart. Cuban is older than me and - by almost any objective standard - wiser, wealthier and wilier.
Indeed, I went to Wikipedia, and comparing the two of us head-to-head, I don't fare particularly well:
He is, as I mentioned, a billionaire. If I was never in wedlock and didn't shower my two dogs with gourmet treats, I would be a millionaire.
He graduated from Indiana with a business administration degree, which entailed studying business administration. I graduated from Maryland with an American studies degree, which entailed watching TV.
He made a $5 million donation to his alma mater in 2015 for the "Mark Cuban Center for Sports Media and Technology." I have close to $300 in outstanding, on-campus parking tickets at College Park.
He is married with three children and lives in a 24,000-square-foot home. I am on my third and final marriage, with two terrific step-kids who each speak to me once a month, and live in a 1,300-square foot home.
He is a businessman, investor, film producer, author, TV personality and philanthropist. I am a part-time sports columnist and part-time poker commentator; I also bowl.
He wrote an acclaimed e-book, "How to Win at the Sport of Business." I wrote an unacclaimed real book, "Hold On, Honey, I'll Take You to the Hospital at Halftime."
He has been on ABC's "Shark Tank" since 2012. I used to regularly appear on ESPN's "Pardon the Interruption" until I was asked to regularly disappear.
He has been executive producer for such praised cinematic works as "Good Night, and Good Luck" and "Akeelah and the Bee." I saw "Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2" at a bargain matinee last year.
He is an annual participant at the MIT Sloan Sports Analytics Conference. I have a calculator on my Mac desktop.
He has 5 million followers on Twitter. I have 59,000.
(Huh - 59,000? Actually, not bad for an idiot non-billionaire.)
Q. That must've been some damn fine weed if Laremy Tunsil was willing to smoke it on video and cost himself millions of dollars, no? (William Keller; Lexington, Ky.)
A. Maybe - just maybe - he wanted to move down in the draft and get picked by Miami, because that's where all the good stuff comes in.
Q. Considering Deflategate is likely going to take us all to our graves, will you consent - as a public service - to never write about it again? (G. Harrison; Carmel, Ind.)
A. I will not promise that which I cannot guarantee. Besides, who doesn't like a good Deflategate column on a rainy Monday?
Q. If, as you wrote recently, a man drinking a Yuengling attracts intelligent women, what does a woman drink to attract intelligent men? (Jack Ross; North Potomac, Md.)
A. A Yuengling she's paid for. Duh.
Q. Will President Kasich be attending the Cleveland Browns' Super Bowl parade next February? (Roger Strauss; Silver Spring, Md.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
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