Tom Brady, in the midst of his involuntary month-long NFL sabbatical, is notorious for being a busy bee, so he has filled his idle moments by writing a journal. Because Couch Slouch has shown unwavering support for the 39-year-old Patriots quarterback during the entirety of the Deflategate debacle, he graciously agreed to share with us diary excerpts of one of his recent Bill Belichick-free Sundays.
Enjoy!
7:44 a.m. ET: Julian Edelman's got to stop calling me after midnight on his burner phone to complain about Jimmy Garoppolo.
7:45: I'm the one who should be calling Edelman to complain about having to target Danny Amendola six times a game.
8:07: Nothing jump-starts my day like an eggless brown rice/quinoa/millet-and-bean omelet.
8:38: I'm tired of my tony Chestnut Hill neighbors and their home-owner regs; I'm using the leaf blower this morning.
9:10: As part of my "Do Nothing" campaign, I am going to do nothing for the next five minutes.
10:35: Why does anybody ever "Meet the Press" or "Face the Nation"? Coach has the right idea here.
11:11: Told Wes Welker to come by for brunch. Heh heh - I had him run 75 down-and-out back-shoulder-throw routes in the side yard.
12:58 p.m.: Watched "The NFL Today" for first time since 1999 - I'd play for Rex Ryan before I'd watch these jokers again. Whatever happened to Jerry Glanville?
1:33: Garoppolo actually throws a nice ball, for a backup.
1:52: I want to get back out there, but this Red Zone Channel is the bomb.
2:15: Got to leave in five minutes to meet Rob Ninkovich for our newly traditional Dave & Busters weekend outing. Too many tickets, too little time.
2:16: Ninkovich gets suspended four games for a banned substance and I get docked four games for...uh, what was I suspended for again?
2:47: Ninkovich is a beast in Pac-Man, Fishbowl Frenzy, Candy Crush Saga and Star Wars Battle Pod, but he can't touch me in Dance Dance Revolution.
3:01: Gronk's got my back - he's been sticking pins in a Garoppolo voodoo doll; just got a text that the kid sprained his shoulder.
4:34: Damn, Whole Foods is out of grass-fed organic duck.
4:42: When I go to CVS to pick up green tea for Gisele, I love the look the clerk gives me if I'm wearing one of my 'FREE BRADY' T-shirts.
4:50: Called Ben Affleck to give him the business again about "Gigli" and "Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice."
5:19: I don't care if I'm free every weekday morning this month, I'm not driving the kids to school any more.
5:24: They say "don't get high on your own supply," but I love eating TB12 vegan snacks.
5:30: If your brother-in-law were Kevin Youkilis, you'd let his calls go to voice mail, too.
5:43: Might go Mohawk when I visit my hair stylist tomorrow.
6:02: Overheard Gisele on phone with Lloyd Carr planning my surprise 40th birthday party for next summer.
6:27: Unofficially, I really don't have a horse in this race, but if Donald Trump wins, I'll be rocking my blue tux to the inaugural ball in January.
7:14: Thinking of selling our L.A. home - really don't need to be out there until I retire in 2026.
7:25: Memo to Tim Tebow: I was drafted by the Montreal Expos in 1995, so next time you hold an open workout, call me so you're not completely wasting MLB teams' time.
7:31: Just thumbed through Gisele's coffee-table book - a bunch of photos, for $700. That's right, seven bills. You go, girl!
7:32: If you want the recipe for sweet potato gnocchi with escarole, you've got to buy my book - only $200. Plus, unlike Gisele's picture book, there's text.
8:08: Considering our combined income, I can't believe we don't have an electric can opener.
8:30: "Sunday Night Football" means one thing - avocado ice cream!
8:47: To be honest, my Uggs grab at my ankles a little bit.
Q. Since NFL wide receivers now signal most first downs and the mysterious booth official rules on most important calls, why not just eliminate all on-field officials except one to spot the ball as directed by players? (Mike Soper; Washington, D.C.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q. At only 30 years of age, wouldn't Sean McVay, the R*dsk*ns' offensive coordinator, be better off financially just focusing on FanDuel? (Anthony Pasceri; North Tonawanda, N.Y.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q. If Donald Trump implements racial profiling for NHL infractions, will the entire league have to shut down? (Terry Golden; Vienna, Va.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q. Should the NFL consider holding an expansion draft to help the Cleveland Browns? (Roger Strauss; Silver Spring, Md.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
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